its me again! [entries|friends|calendar] sparkleyturtle3 [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

this is the only place anymore... [Thursday November 27th, 2008 12:10am ♥] this is the only place i can go to anymore... my secret place.. it's sad how it seems like the only thing that understands is a freaking internet journal. what has this world come to? I never thought I knew what love was. "Love" how do you define that word? there's so many different kinds, differnet people... just.. how do you know? I never thought I would find out. When I asked other people all they would say was "you just know" well, I thought that was a bunch of bullshit. "you just know"? really? come on people. but... then I met him. I met Ray. My first ever, true love. blah blah blah so cliche, i know. I hated it. I hated being apart of the "you just know" crowd. I promised myself I would never fall into it. But Ray made me fall so hard, I just couldn't stop. and because of that, I got hit. i got hit. HARD. I remember everything about what we had, everything we shared together. I remember being the band geek, and I him being the quarterback of the football team. I remember wondering why he was even talking to me at all, I wasn't popular. I remember laughing with him in Web Design, every single say, pissing the teacher off. I remember him asking for my number. I remember starting to like him. I remember hating myself for it. I remember not being able to hold back anymore. I remember admitting it to him, and him admitting it to me. the exact look on his face, the exact words that came out of his mouth. I remember being so nervous. I remember all the crap people said about him. I remember ignoring it. I remember the first time we hung out. it was at the park, MY park. the one i've gone to my entire life. whenever I was sad, I would go to that park. whenever i was happy, or bored. I brought guys to that park like I was bringing them to my parents. Every guy had to meet the park.I remember what I wore. I remember staying out there until past midnight, just talking with him, laying in the grass. I remember teaching him how to direct, and putting my arms around him. I remember him coming home to meet my mom that night. I remember him winning her heart, just like he was starting to win mine. I remember my amazing graduation party, and him putting his arm around me at the movie that night.I remember him putting frosting on my nose. I remember taking a ton of pictures with him. I remember walking him to his car, holding his hand. I remember my graduation day, and him embracing me right after it happened. I remember walking around the field holding his hand. I remember spending that whole day with him, party hopping, and bowling that night. I remember falling asleep in his car, and him waking me up to say good bye. I remember going to Abby's birthday party, playing ultimate frisbee, and taking the most amazing picture I've ever taken with anyone, with him. I remember driving his truck, being so scared, but doing it so he could steal wood from the front of king soopers, just to take me back to his house to make a fire and look at the stars. I remember meeting his dad that night. I remember kissing him for the very first time in the parking lot of a church. I remember falling asleep on his chest in his car, in the parking lot of the school. I remember talking with him for hours about his football, and my music. I remember driving way too far past our destination with him, because we got into a deep conversation about God. I remember going to Chili's, twice. I remember how nice he looked. I remember the way he smelled. I remember the way he laughed. I remember his smile. I remember the way he talked. I remember his heart. I remember falling in love with him. I remember him ignoring me. I remember him finally writing back... just to ignore me again. I remember him not saying good bye. It's like an adventure, that never ends. because i've learned something. You will NEVER stop loving your first love, NEVER. as hard as it may be, i have to accept that fact. I know, slowly, very slowly but surely I'm falling out of love with him. He's fading from my heart and my mind more and more every day. But he'll never truly fade away. He'll always be in there some how, some way. I don't know why he came into my life, I guess to teach me how to love I supposed, but I also don't know why he left. And no matter what he does to me, no matter how much he hurt me, I still love him. and care for him. and I can't think any less of him. I don't know, I just can't. he hurt me more then anything... I trusted him, I thought he loved me, I was so happy, and it had to be taken away.. he took that away from me, he took that happiness. I don't know why it's so easy for people to leave me, or to break their promise to me. saying "i'll never hurt you amy" must mean "i'm not really serious amy, and i have a knife behind my back just waiting for the right moment to pierce you heart" i'm not throwing a pity party. but i'm sick of getting my heart broken. and i know ray is never coming back to me, i just have to learn to move on. and i'm still figuring out how. so he can have fun, spreading rumors about me, when he knows we didn't have sex, and never would have had sex, he can have fun, dating a more popular girl than me, he can have fun, with all his football friends. i'm going to continue with my life in college, leaving him behind as much as i can, just like he left me behind... completely. WHERE IS YOUR BOY TONIGHT?

i'm ready to move on [Thursday August 7th, 2008 4:00pm ♥] 12 days! 12 days until I move away from brighton. it breaks my heart, but makes me so happy at the same time. I'm gonna miss some people, but I know it's going to be okay. I love you Emily! I love you Libby! I love you Jeremy! I love you Kaylin! I'd say those are the four people I will miss the most, the ones that have really been there for me lately. I'd say if I didn't send hours on the phone with Emily and Libby today I wouldn't be in such a good mood right now. and last but not least, I love you Ray. I do. I'll announce it to the world. I don't care if we broke up, that doesn't change anything, we still have a great friendship, even if we can't see eachother for a while. Even if he doesn't talk to me in months and it feels like he doesn't care, I'll always love him. Ray Ritter, You'll ALWAYS be my best friend. no matter what. and you know what? Al I want is for you to be happy. I know you won't read this, but even if you get a new girlfriend, I won't be jealous, I just want you to be happy. Truly. Even if that means you need to say goodbye to me. because I know what we felt for eachother was real. And that's all that matters. I'm going to miss you. In fact, I already do. So much it hurts. But I can't let that get to me, or bring me down anymore. i decided I want to do so much more with my life than be broken hearted forever. As much as I love you, I have to move on. For now, at least. But i'm ready to move to Fo Co. once and for all. goodbye. WHERE IS YOUR BOY TONIGHT?

sometimes it feels like my dreams are too high for me to reach [Wednesday July 30th, 2008 3:41pm ♥] [ music | Angels and Airwaves- Rite of Spring ] I don't feel like I'm good enough.. this is what I want to accomplish: -Symphony Orchestra, maybe Colorado, Chicago, Europe? - Mission Trip to Africa -Adopt a chinese kid -Have a successful marriage with a man I truly love and who truly loves me -Play piano for a church, or something. piano teacher? -flute teacher -own my own music store/studio/music therapy it's going to take a lot of work, i know, and i'm willing to do that, but it just seems like no matter what I do I won't be good enough. I was playing my piano today and its hard. it's definitely not easy. part of me just wants to give up, but I love music to much. but im so so so sic of feeling so inferior to my brother Mark in like, every area of life. Popularity, talent, intelligence, he's better at all of them he even gets away with more shit at home with out parents and stuff im so done feeling this way about him. ugh and i chose the same college as him what did i get myself into?!! WHERE IS YOUR BOY TONIGHT?

what an adventure. [Saturday July 26th, 2008 11:50am ♥] last night was crazy. i can't explain all of it in detail, just because there are some things that i'd rather not put on the internet, but yeah. here's what i will say: hanging out at jeremy's house, pretty crazy. i wanted to go outside, but he didn't want to wake the neighbors, and he was laying on the floor, and when i was opening the door he kicked it shut, right on my finger. and my whole entire nail came off of my finger. it was the most painful thing. i was screaming pretty loud. and they kept me there for about an hour and then i went to abby's house, her dad patched it up temporarily, and then i went to my house, where my brother took me to the ER. and the doctor stitched my nail back on and then bandaged it, and prescribed me to some meds. what would we do without doctors today? if this had hapened in the olden days, with no numbing medicine, then i would be dead by now. bahaha WHERE IS YOUR BOY TONIGHT?

say goodbye, to the world you thought you lived in... [Thursday July 24th, 2008 10:56pm ♥] Today wasn't a very good day. well, not the end of it. the middle was pretty good. I went on two bike rides and I felt pretty refreshed. i think I'm going to be taking a lot of bike rides this summer. It's pretty good exercise, keeps me from being bored, and gets me to see the pretty outdoors. I can't wait until I ride my bike to Denver with some buds. that'll be cool. I do want summer to end though. As weird as that sounds. It doesn't even feel like summer though. The first month was full of constant work, and now I'm just full of negative thoughts and still holding onto some things I need to let go of. It will probably help when I go to college. I miss Masonic Band Camp. I only got to go once, I miss all the people I met, and the camp was so amazing and fun, I can't believe I had to miss it this summer. I miss being drum major. Now THAT was the time of my life. Even though the Brighton band isn't really that good, to be honest, i just wanted to make good music and make a difference. which I hope I did. But now that's gone, and I had to pass the torch along. which was kind of weird. I miss NOT having a broken heart. I miss this person. and I don't know how to move on right now, and it seems like no one really understands. But then again, I don't really know how to explain it. I miss being happy and care free and knowing who I am. and now i'm deathly afraid of college, and losing myself, and this huge huge campus, and i'm scared of flunking out, and i'm scared of absolutely no happiness. yeah, a lot of emotions. but what else is new i guess right WHERE IS YOUR BOY TONIGHT?

[Monday July 21st, 2008 1:45pm ♥] My life is changing. A lot. It's pretty exciting, actually. I'm so glad to be done with high school, and all the stupid drama and people. I have a clean slate, I lost the people that I needed to lose, and gained the people I needed to gain. I'm ready to start college and have some fun. let's party. I don't like it when people act like they know everything that goes on in my life. or they act like they know exactly how i feel about it, or should I say him. Shouldn't I be the one to determine if I "love" him or not? seriously. i don't tell the world everything. I don't believe that breaking up means it wasn't love. It just means that it wasn't the right time. or not the right person. but that doesn't mean we didn't love each other. the present break up doesn't change the past. I'm not being naive or stupid, or denying the fact that what he did was really shady. cause it was. one of the shadiest I've ever had a guy do. But ya know, I actually have a heart, and it cared for him. whether it was love or not, he was important to me. he did a stupid thing, doesn't mean I hate him. doesn't mean i think he's a bad guy. cause i'll always remember him. I'll move on. I know I will. Just like I've moved on from a lot of things this summer. Stupid school, stupid job, couple of stupid friendships. And now I'm ready to move forward, see what God has in store for me. RIght now, it's CSU. that's what I'm focusing on. Never to live in Brighton again. AMEN to that, sista. peace. WHERE IS YOUR BOY TONIGHT?

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